So you’re the customer experience manager? That’s nice. I feel better shopping when I know you’re managing my experience. I’m glad someone’s got my back as I navigate my metal shopping cart through the various shelves and displays scattered throughout the store like a Crash Bandicoot obstacle course, while I resist the almost overwhelming urge to T-Bone someone else’s shopping cart with absolute gumption, leaving behind a devastating scene of spilled milk, crumpled boxes, and incredulous gasps.
Wouldn’t it be nice if we had a manager for all of our experiences? I’d like to speak to the manager of my traumatic childhood experiences. Since they’re the manager of traumatic childhood experiences, they wouldn’t be there to lessen the weight of those experiences. What would they say? “How was that traumatic experience for you? Still need to go to therapy? Great to hear. Another satisfied customer.” Now that I think about it, I do have a psychedelic experience manager – it’s the 5-dimensional fractal elf who multiplies itself and starts a dance party whenever I travel to other realms.
Imagine the responsibility of a Life-Changing Experience Manager, or a Near-Death Experience Manager. That’s a lot of pressure. I suppose if someone believes in God, then God would be The Manager. The man upstairs. ‘Stairway to Heaven.’ Do you think there’s actually a staircase going from Earth to Heaven after you die? How high is Heaven, anyway? It’s definitely higher than Mt. Everest. Can you imagine taking a staircase all the way from the ground to the clouds or beyond? That would take forever. According to ChatGPT, it would take at least 16 days to climb a staircase from the ground to the summit of Mt. Everest. I think it’s safe to say that it would take at least three weeks to climb a stairway to Heaven. That would be the ultimate test. I think after two days I’d say “Forget it, I’m going to Hell,” and jump off.
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