It’s funny to me when a company comes out with a new product that they claim is way healthier than their original product. I saw an ad for Gatorade Fit the other day that touted, “no added sugar, artificial sweeteners, or added colors,” nor all the other crap they put in regular Gatorade. But they’re not going to change regular Gatorade, or take it off supermarket shelves. They’re like, “Here we have Gatorade Fit, a nice clean electrolyte beverage, but yeah if you’re fine with drinking toxic waste that comes in 22 flavors, we still have regular Gatorade over here. We wouldn’t deprive you of your power of choice.”
In a few years there will be another Gatorade iteration, cleaner than Gatorade Fit; more refined. Gatorade Light? Actually, I’ve just learned that GatorLyte is a thing. Ok, apparently Gatorlyte has more electrolytes and less sugar than “Gatorade Thirst Quencher.” They’ll come out with another iteration in a few years called something like Gatorade Pure that’s literally just plain spring water. All of this electrolyte business has to be bullshit, right? I don’t think our ancestors needed Gatorlyte™ or LiquidIV™ to hunt a woolly mammoth or to run dozens of miles a day.
Someone said to me the other day, “Regular water doesn’t hydrate us enough, we need electrolytes added to it.” HUH? It’s water! That’s like saying air doesn’t sustain us enough, we need more argon added to it – preferably by a for-profit corporation. Maybe I’m wrong – you all know how anti-science I am.
I don’t mean to focus too much on Gatorade. There’s also Lightly Salted Pringles, with 50% less sodium than Original Pringles. On the Pringles website, under Lightly Salted Pringles, it says, ‘Salty snacks taste so good, but sometimes you gotta ease up.’ Classic gaslighting. I actually prefer the lightly salted though.
I guess I am focusing a lot on salt in this transmission. Please tune your radios to “Shake It Like a Salt Shaker” by the Ying Yang twins. I do like salt a lot, though a very salty pretzel or chocolate salted caramel may throw me into a coughing fit. My mom kept an eye like Sauron on my salt shaker use – more than a slight sprinkle on her homemade dinner and I was in for a firm talking-to. These days I prefer a light shower of Garlic Salt on my broccoli and eggs.
Have you noticed there have been more and more regional salts cropping up in stores? Celtic salt, etc. Maybe the Himalayas are running out of salt. Big news, if true. Everyone would have to turn in their salt lamps to be ground down into salt to be consumed and then distributed back among the people. There may be a day when “drill baby drill” means digging for our own salt. 100% United States Sea Salt. Where does salt even come from? Are the Himalayan mountains made out of salt? Mount Everest used to be 44,000′, now only 29,000′ because of all the salt we chipped off of it. Mountaineers everywhere are protesting.
I think brands like Gatorade and Pringles should lean more into the artificial side of things. Gatorade Xtra, with EXTRA sugar, MORE added color. Go nuts, Gatorade. I want you to put so much added color and dye into it that I have to sign a waiver. I want you to INVENT colors. Pringles SALT BLAST© , now with 50% MORE Sodium than Original Pringles. People will contract whooping cough from these Pringles.
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