Miss Information (formerly known as Mrs. Information)

Three dumb jokes based on true events:

Man, my brother-in-law is a real idiot. The first time he came to my Dad’s house for Christmas, he looks at the countertops in the kitchen and goes “Nice countertops, are these marble?” My Dad, incredulous, goes “No, they’re granite.” He made the same mistake after dinner: My mom brings out a cake and he asks “Oh nice, is that a marble cake?” and my mom, offended, goes “No, it’s granite.” What an idiot.

Two fools are standing in an empty room, Bob and Tim.
Bob says, “I need to know the square footage of this floor so I know what size rug to get, but I don’t have a tape measure!”
Tim replies, “That’s fine, I’ll just measure the room with my feet!” and starts walking across the room.
As Tim walks halfway, Bob asks, “Wait, are your feet 12 inches?”
Bob replies, “Oh I’m not sure, do you have a tape measure?”
Tim says, “No, but we can walk over to the store and buy one.”
Bob and Tim buy a tape measure at the store and come back to the room.
Bob says, “Ok, let’s measure your feet.”
Tim’s feet turn out to be 11 inches. They set the tape measure down.
Bob says, “Ok, we’ll count how many steps you take across the room, multiply that by 11, then divide by 12 to figure out how many feet across the room is.”
They both nod at each other in satisfaction and Tim starts pacing across the room.

You can tell how frequently someone goes to Outback Steakhouse by how high their jeans are on their body. I once saw a man at Outback wearing his jeans so high he was looking through his zipper.