I had a peculiar experience at a restaurant the other night. I was sitting there sipping a glass of rosé, when the waiter came over to take my order. I looked at a tasty-looking entrée the table next to me had. “Ohh, is that the roasted chicken? I’ll have that,” I said. The waiter took it from their table and put it on mine.
I didn’t exactly set the right tone with this waiter. When I walked into the restaurant, he asked if I had a reservation, and without stopping, I said, “I don’t believe in this abstract concept you call a reservation,” and sat at an empty table. I knocked on the wooden table twice and beckoned for a strawberry daiquiri.
When I finished the other table’s half-eaten chicken, the waiter came to collect my empty plate. “I hope you enjoyed your meal – our chef poured her blood, sweat, and tears into this recipe,” he said. I promptly left, the restaurant has been shut down, and the chef is being charged with attempted murder by poisoning.
Up to a certain level of local or fine dining, all restaurants have the same rotating variety of frozen foods that come from either Sysco or US Foods, and it’s a competition of who can heat it up and throw it on a plate the best.
I was a short order cook for about five years at a local country store, cooking things from pancakes to burgers to submarine sandwiches. Whenever I made a Reuben sandwich, I would make a smiley face 🙂 with the Russian dressing on each slice of bread. Lots more to speak about from that whole gig.
I’ve always been amazed when a host or hostess says how long the wait will be. You show up at 6pm on a Friday night. “It’ll be about 45 minutes,” they say. How do they know? Is divine knowledge being channeled into their brains from a higher power? What if everyone in the restaurant decided not to leave? What if they all decided to have a spontaneous sit-in? I can’t tell you how many sit-ins have ruined a night out for me. I actually organized a sit-in during my college days. I showed up to a restaurant with 40 people ready to sit in protest. The host said “You need a reservation,” so we turned around and left, then went and hung out at a park for the rest of the day.
Imagine if restaurants had salespeople that cold called you. It’s 9pm, you’re sitting on the couch watching Hulu in your sweatpants. Your phone starts vibrating. All it says is, ‘Applebee’s.’ You take a chance and pick it up.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Jacob?”
“Yes?”
“Hi, this is Greg from Applebee’s in Lakewood, how are you?”
“Fine, how are you?
“Good, good…hey, you hungry?”
“Not really, why?”
“Well, listen – it’s the hour of half-off apps. Every night starting at 9pm. You like mozzarella sticks?”
“Yeah, actually. You guys have good mozz sticks.”
“Why thank you, we take a lot of pride in our mozzarella sticks.”
Clacking sounds go off in the background.
“Are you typing?”
“My apologies, yes, just taking notes for future calls.”
“Okay, well, I’m not that hungry, and I really don’t feel like driving to Lakewood.”
“What if I told you about our all-new Irresist-A-Bowls®? From zesty and tangy to bold and fresh, Irresist-A-Bowls® bring the flavor. Crafted with chipotle lime chicken or shrimp, crisp greens, fresh ingredients, over a bed of cilantro rice, our bowls are simply irresistible.”
“Now it sounds like you’re just reading from a script.”
“Look, we’ve got a plate of Classic Broccoli Chicken Alfredo sitting here with your name on it. It’s a bed of fettuccine that’s absolutely drenched in alfredo sauce, and it’s served with our soft, warm breadsticks that are just sopping wet with buttery garlic sauce.”
“Goodbye.”
The phone vibrates again. You look down and see a Facetime call from Arby’s.
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